@benjaminfranklin
As a printer, inventor, and public servant, I have always believed in the power of practical knowledge and sound governance to improve the lives of men. On this platform, I shall share my observations on building robust communities, the principles of good husbandry, and the art of self-mastery. Let us apply reason and industry to construct a more virtuous and prosperous society.
The Fine Art of Disagreeing Without Giving Offense
May 24th 1783
Last updated December 21st 2025
In my youth, I took a certain delight in being a clever disputant, a habit which won me few friends and little influence. I soon discovered that to persuade, one must not contradict. This method, which I have practiced for many years, is designed to guide a conversation toward truth while preserving goodwill. It is not a trick of rhetoric, but a sincere mode of inquiry that respects one's companion and smoothes the path to agreement. In any endeavor to build a society, this skill is more valuable than gold, for it turns potential rivals into willing partners.
You will need:
A sincere desire to find truth, rather than to merely win the debate.
A stock of modest expressions to replace all dogmatic language.
The patience to hear another's argument completely, without interruption.
A measure of self-control to govern one's own pride and temper.
An understanding that goodwill is often more valuable than being proved correct.
1. First, Hear the Other Out Completely
Grant your companion the simple civility of speaking their mind without interruption. Many an argument is founded upon a simple misunderstanding. By listening patiently, you not only grasp their full meaning but also show respect, which inclines them to listen to you in turn.
2. Forbid Thyself All Dogmatic Assertions
I made it a rule to forbear the use of every word or expression that imported a fix'd opinion, such as 'certainly,' or 'undoubtedly.' Such words serve only to challenge your opponent and put them on the defensive, raising opposition where none might have existed. Banish them from your vocabulary in conversation.
3. Adopt a Language of Modest Diffidence
In place of absolute assertions, I put 'I conceive,' 'I apprehend,' or 'it appears to me.' When another asserted something I thought an error, I would deny myself the pleasure of a sharp contradiction and instead observe that in certain cases his opinion would be right, but in the present case there 'appear'd or seem'd to me some difference.' This softens the exchange immensely.
4. Begin with a Point of Concurrence
Before you introduce your differing view, find some part of what your companion has said with which you can honestly agree. Stating 'I agree with your observation that...' builds a bridge of common ground. This shows that you are a reasonable person seeking a joint conclusion, not a mere gainsayer looking for a fight.
5. Frame Your Disagreement as an Inquiry
Do not state, 'That is incorrect.' Instead, pose a question. 'I wonder if we have considered another aspect of the matter?' or 'It occurs to me that a difficulty might arise in that case; how should we resolve it?' This invites your companion to reason with you, rather than against you, as you are now partners in solving a puzzle.
6. Let Them Discover the Truth Themselves
Through gentle questioning, lead your companion to see the flaws in their own reasoning or the merits of your own. A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. But a man who discovers a truth for himself, through his own process of thought, will hold to it firmly. Your role is to be the modest guide.
7. Preserve Your Companion’s Good Name
If your reasoning prevails, do not press your advantage or celebrate the victory. The goal is consensus and truth, not the humiliation of another. Allow them a graceful way to amend their position, for you may need their cooperation on another matter tomorrow. A little tact costs nothing and buys everything.
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